Do we need to give each other a personal space that men need even more than women?
If you read the book by John Gray "Men from Mars, women from Venus," then surely remember such a term as "male cave." A place where a man sometimes goes to recover, put his thoughts and feelings in order, and at the same time recall how he loves his wife.
What is a "Male Cave" and why does a man need it?
It does not always look like a cave. Most often, this is some kind of hobby outside the home or just a place where he likes to be alone. We, of course, are not talking about brothels and casinos. Rather, this includes fishing with friends, his office and workplace, trips to conferences and events, and even a private office in a house where no one has the right to enter.
When a man comes into crisis - and crises of various sizes constantly enter us without knocking - it is important for a man to retire. And think alone.
What do we most often do? Let's be honest? We are trying to scratch him out. From the embrace of his cave. Motives may be different:
- He's bad! I have to help him!
- What if he loses me there?
- His friends are bad for him.
- I need to know what he thinks.
And so on. In practice, we pursue a man. Sometimes just trying to lure out - very quietly and innocently. Sometimes we break in and make a scandal. Sometimes we collect the public at the cave entrance, so that everyone tells him that it is impossible to do this.
Harassment is of three kinds.:
- Physical For example: "You will not go anywhere!". Or you can just go on his heels, go fishing for him, make a "surprise", arriving at his conference or arrange a field kitchen at his work. Without his consent
- Emotional. Since we ourselves are treated for negative emotions by talking, we are trying to feed the husband with the same pill. "Talk to me! I see that you feel bad! What happened? Don't be silent!" Man is not only reassured, but annoying.
- Moral. To become such an ideal wife so that he would never even think about going somewhere without me. "Well, how can you, I do everything for you, and you! It's not fair! It's wrong! I sacrificed everything for you and didn't go to the concert. And you !!!"
Why do not we want to "let go" the man of one?
Why is it so unbearable for us to see how a loved one is resting somewhere in a bank transfer in some strange way? There are several reasons, some of them lie in our nature, and some in our childhood.
- For women, intimacy is very important. This is one of our basic needs. And when there is no proximity, it becomes very difficult for us. The problem is that we decided that close relationships are possible only with my husband. We do not build them with other people. And more specifically, we do not pay enough attention to female friendship. But precisely friends can give us so much closeness that the mind will calm down for a long time.
- We are different. We solve problems with you by talking. And we believe that men are the same. Therefore, we try to help them, not taking into account that they are others.
- Frequently we simply do not know what to do when it is not around on a day off. But what about the ritual viewing of the film and a walk before bedtime? With whom to go for a walk?
- Loneliness becomes terrible even then, when our childhood father left us already. The child does not understand that father left mother and not him. And all his life repeats after mom: "Dad left us both." And then it is really scary - now he will leave, and what if there’s the same thing as mom's dad took away?
- If you have already been thrown by other men, there were treason and painful parting, the topic of male distance will also become a problem.
- If you were ignored by your parents, then a temporary disregard from your loved one will also hurt you. Just like in childhood. When all of you don't care, what kind of love can there be?
- If you do not have a hobby and an outlet where you can occupy yourself, you will also suffer, but from ignorance of what to do. It is important to remember that it is interesting only to those who are already interested with themselves.
Hwill it be with a man if he is not "released" to the cave?
- He becomes passive. For a long time lies, his enthusiasm in work decreases. He is not ready to perform feats, he cannot even go for water. There is simply no motivation. Why? Because the only motivation for male actions is love for a woman (or God).
- He does not feel love for his wife. Because male love has a cyclical nature. To understand how he loves his wife, a man needs to miss her. And this is the best way to update the senses. The woman has a different mechanism - we are always in contact with our feelings, so everything is quite stable here. And a man needs to remember this. Again and again. At least once a month. To fly on the wings, bored, and move mountains. Remember the mode in which the knights of the past lived. Crusade - on the wings of his beloved with prey - then again a crusade to return to her again, exhausted from love.
- In time, not let go of a man becomes irritable and angry. To regain control of himself, he needs to collect his thoughts and feelings, gather himself together. And he can only do this alone, in his cave. Sometimes his friends may be in this cave. But it is outwardly. This is actually collective loneliness. Have you ever seen real fishermen? They will spread far apart and remain silent all day. For women, it seems insane, and for men - a real vacation.
- He can find uncivilized forms of care. Alcohol, drugs, computer games are the same cave care, only such care destroys the personality of the man and family relationships. But if he has no other option, it remains only to finally not go crazy.
In a word, a man who is not released into a cave in time becomes not only “inconvenient”, but also destructive. He may fall flat on his wife or children. After that, he will begin to gnaw a sense of guilt that will only increase the discomfort.
Why does a man want to be alone and what to do to a woman?
Separation gives love a special taste.Joyful taste of the meeting, when both are bored. And again, ready to see each other good. Even if you break up just for one day, when the husband goes to work, in the evening you are waiting for his return. Because you are bored.
A man needs and it is important to have personal space and personal time.But with the birth of children, we often forget about it. Because we need help. We are becoming more dependent - and it is very scary - to be alone.
With the birth of children, all our childhood injuries become more acute. All that we did not live to the end, was accepted and released. When we are terribly afraid of losing a partner - most likely, we are afraid of losing our father (or our mother) in it.
When we start demanding full care and guardianship, we seem to be trying to replace our parents with a spouse. And so you can continue for a long time. It is the birth of the little man that starts the chain reaction of our ancestral and child memory. When he reaches the age at which something difficult has happened, it also becomes hard for us. Therefore, it is usually our desire to sharpen - to be always together - after the appearance of children. We are too vulnerable at this moment to remain alone at this moment. But how much we lose at the same time!
Let's talk about what to do with yourself? How not to go crazy and not to make him calls? There are a lot of options:
- Read your favorite book
- Watch a movie - you can do it alone
- Do general cleaning
- Chat with friends
- You can invite a friend to visit for a couple of days
- Go to a seminar or training
- Go to visit parents
- Go for a massage or beauty salon
- Participate in a volunteer project
- Do your hobbies
- Go to a dance or drawing class
- Arrange shopping and so on.
Indian girls were once prepared for family life by telling this parable:
"Every man’s life once a month has special days when he has to go to the cave. It’s his holy duty to fight this dragon cave. It’s very dangerous and risky, but it’s every man’s duty. So when you get married, be ready for this. Once a month your husband will go to his cave tense and return from it as a winner. In no case do not pursue him. Because even if you hunt it down and find this cave, and then try to enter it, this dragon will attack he will burn you with his flame. "
The story is metaphorical, because that dragon is just a manifestation of the worst qualities of a husband who can spill onto the head of an unlucky spouse.
therefore let's take care of each other and treat our features and needs with understanding. Letting your husband go to the cave, do not forget to take care of yourself!
Many thanks to John Gray and Ruslan Narushevich for the knowledge about the nature of male distances!