What should women who are left without a husband do with a child? First, do not despair. Yes, it is difficult for you, and sometimes simply unbearable, and yet there is a way out in your situation! Secondly, look for knowledge - it is they who will help you pass the path of upbringing with minimal losses.
Highlights of raising a boy mom
Do not try to replace the father's child, you can not do this. You are a woman, you are a mother, and be only her for a boy. Stay warm, caring, loving, patient, and then with you the child will wake up with masculinity.
Remember about yourself!
By putting a cross on yourself, your personal life, your happiness, you involuntarily make your son the culprit of all your misfortunes. And even if you don’t say directly “because of you my life didn’t work out,” he will feel this way, he will bear the burden of guilt in front of you all his life for something which is not at fault.
Respond to the father of the child only respectfully!
Your son is a man. And if you are offended by his father, if you have negative thoughts about men, the child will absorb it, but not with respect to his father, but with respect to himself. Everything you think about the father of the child, you think about the child, because it is in it that there is both your part and the part of the man with whom you created it.
And this means that in the future he will have problems with women, because in an atmosphere of negative attitudes towards the male sex, the child learns one of two scenarios of attitudes towards women:
- he becomes passive, and takes the position "once you are better than me, here and do everything myself";
- he becomes aggressive, rude, does not respect his mother, and then his wife, does not fulfill women's requests, may even raise his hand.
Rest assured - all your negatives directed against men, you will receive from your son as he grows up (as a rule, in this case problems begin from the moment of puberty).
It is clear that women have boiled over, that they remain in a more humiliated position, and more difficult than men, and yet - if you want to understand the situation from the point of view of OWN RESPONSIBILITY, and you will not blame everything on a man, you can find , for which you will respect the one with whom you have a common son. After all, once you yourself chose this man as your partner, no one forced you to do it. Once your love bore its fruits in the form of a child, a common son. So, you treated your partner differently, you respected and loved him. So, there is your contribution to the fact that you were left alone, and not only he turned out to be a scoundrel.
Perhaps this is the most difficult point for you, if this is your topic, and yet it will open it for you. new horizons in the relationship not only with his son, but with the whole world. Because a woman who has resentment towards her previous partner has no chance of creating new harmonious relationships until she understands and forgives the one who caused her pain.
NEVER punish your son, do not humiliate him!
Punish the boys need. Sometimes. But man must do it. Then the boy will not be humiliated, his personality will not be trampled. If this is done by the mother, the child has a very strong injury - all reference points between the sexes are erased, and an aggressive attitude towards women is formed, the desire to take power over them.
What if your son is guilty?
- Cry. React like a woman, not like a man. Only tears should be sincere, for example, "I have been asking you to take out the garbage for a week, it’s hard for me, and you don’t want to help me either. I don’t know what to do next ...". However, do not use tears to manipulate the child - he will very quickly stop believing you.
- Find the man who will punish him. There are misconducts that require male punishment. Word or action. At the same time, it is important that the child respect this man, that this is an authority for him.
- Negotiate. Consult with your son, as with an adult man, ask him for advice in his own upbringing. If you respect him, he will help you with this. How can it look like? "You know, I can not cope with the problem myself, help me. For a week now you have been spending a lot of time playing games, abandoned school. I’m worried about this. Let's think together about how to fix this situation."
Look for men from whom your son can learn masculinity!
The child should have examples of people for whom he wants to go, and if there is no example of a father, look for other people whom you respect. These can be heroes of books or films. These are biographies of saints, scriptures. These can be teachers, coaches, relatives, neighbors. If a child does not have an example of a real man whom he wants to imitate and who is learning, he has a great risk of falling under the influence of street companies and be drawn into risky events that will affect both himself and you.
Let the boy help you!
Yes, it was your fate to bring up the child herself. But this does not mean that he should receive everything easily, and you should refuse everything to yourself. A child has come to your family to share your adversity., and not to parasitize on your crazy work for the sake of his external success.
Ask your son for help. Show him your weakness. Teach him to take care of women, starting with you. Allocate him feasible duties. Refuse him if his requests you can not afford, and not harness for three jobs to buy a computer for the child, and that he was dressed like everyone else. Then he will grow up a real man, not an egoist, accustomed to the fact that a woman plows him to the seventh sweat.
Encourage the slightest manifestation of masculinity in your son!
Women have a very strong desire to protect their child from dangers, mistakes, to shield him with themselves, to hide under his wing. Up to three years this is justified, but then you need to remember that you have a boy growing up, and he is very different from a girl. And that means - he needs a risk, he needs mistakes, he needs difficulties, which he will overcome.
You grow not just a baby. You raise a husband for some woman. You don’t want your husband’s husband to be your husband, do you? You want to have a strong shoulder next to you, a man who can cope with difficulties and take upon himself the burden of responsibility. And where does this come from in a boy if you don’t let him make mistakes and risk It is clear that you do not need to run on the roadway, however, climb a tree, roll down a hill, spend the night in a tent, etc. - this is sacred for a boy. If you are afraid for a child, find someone you can trust him and stand aside while his son tries himself in something new for him. Let him go in for sports, wrestling, tourism, mountaineering - all this will greatly help him in life.
Trust the child, instill independence!
If the boy does not receive trust from his mother, he grows up as an insecure man, and it takes him a long time to put himself in order, relive the childhood traumas and heal them, and regain his place in life.
Trusting your son means:
- stop him constantly advising what to do in a given situation;
- allow him to make mistakes and give him the opportunity to correct them, rather than gouge for them;
- transfer responsibility for his actions, responsibilities as he grows and develops;
- talk and negotiate, not demand and order;
- encourage autonomy, initiative, give the opportunity to make their own decisions and act.
It is very difficult - after all, from the height of his height, we know better what he needs to do. But if you think, you will see that it is much more important to teach a person to look for a way out of the situation than to give him ready-made solutions all the time.
Find an outlet outside the family!
Many women make an attorney of their soul out of a child - they share their troubles with him, complain about life, in fact, they make a husband out of their son. The psyche of the child is designed so that he takes over everything that his parents hang on him, and if they hang their problems on him, he seeks to solve them, setting aside his life. As a result, he grows up, but he cannot create a normal family, because his wife remains his mother, and he rushes to solve her problems at the slightest sneeze on her part.
Share your troubles with friends, with a spiritual guide, a priest, a teacher - this should be an adult. Do not overload the psyche of the child is not his problems!
AND make your life to the fullest. The best thing for a boy is to see his happy mother, to understand that mistakes can be corrected, that a woman is beautiful, and being a man is very pleasant.
Be on the side of your child!
Even when your child behaves differently from what is expected of him, even when he commits unworthy acts, he needs your love more than ever. A child cannot grow without support, and if he does not find it in you, he may lose confidence in the world and close himself for life. This does not mean to encourage his unworthy deeds. It means, make him understand that you will always love him no matter what happens. But do not tolerate disrespect or unworthy behavior.
In any situation, talk to him, find out the motives of his actions, do not rush to accuse him of something, even if the whole world is against him. Be a friend to your son, and you will be happy with it!
Parables of the Mother
Love in mother's heart
One angel learned that such strength is hiding in maternal love that it is not equal to her on Earth. The angel decided to discover the secret of maternal love. For a long time he walked among the people, but he understood nothing.
- I did not find any secret, Lord! cried the angel. - All mothers behave differently. Some kiss their children, others scold, some indulge, others bring up in strictness, some teach children to do hard work, others do not allow them to do anything.
- You didn’t look there, ”came the Heavenly Voice. - Do not look at the behavior of the mother, but look into her heart.
The angel then saw that some mothers kiss their children, others scold, but they all equally love them more than life.
Reasonable education (Hing Shi)
One day a young peasant woman came to Hing Shi and asked:
- Teacher, how should I raise my son: in affection or in severity? What is more important?
- Look at the woman, woman, ”said Hing Shi. - If you do not cut it, you will not, out of pity, tear off the extra shoots and leaves, the vine goes wild, and you, having lost control of its growth, you will not wait for good and sweet berries. But if you cover the vine with the caress of the sun and do not carefully water its roots every day, it will completely wither. And only with a reasonable combination of both, you will be able to taste the desired fruits.
In the village near Calcutta (Kolkata) lived a mother with a son. In order to educate her son, the mother endured many hardships. But at the same time she inspired him: “My dear, do not consider worldly education as the most important. Many people master various sciences, but remain fools who do not understand who they are. Scholarship does not save a person from basest habits. She only plunges him into the abyss of contradictions, without giving wisdom and perfection. Why devote life to the study of what will once disappear? It is necessary to comprehend that which saves from death. Only spiritual knowledge leads to immortality. Worldly knowledge is short-lived.and bread. You need to strive for it only for the sake of independent life, while limiting your desires. Therefore, my son, receiving a worldly education, do not forget about spiritual quest. "The young man completed his teaching and entered a modest position. Once, a festival of folk art The village women gathered for the feast, dressed up in the best saris and jewelery. The young man’s mother also went to the feast in her old darned sari. decorate Nia. This makes me very sad. Please tell me what jewelry would you like to have? ”The woman replied:“ Son, this is not the time to talk about it. I will tell you another time. ”
Thanks to the diligence and performance of the young man was promoted. He again asked his mother what kind of jewelry she liked. “Now I could buy them for you,” he said. Mother replied that she dreams of three jewelery, but which they say later. Over the years, the son has held a high position in the service and in society. He again turned to his mother : "Mom, I have money. Please tell me which jewelry you like. I will immediately buy them for you. ” Mother replied: "Dear son! I am no longer at that age to wear jewelry. But I have an interest in some jewelry, and I am ready to tell you about them." Having drawn her son to her, she continued: "I am very upset that children from our village must go to school for many miles. The first decoration I dream about is the elementary school in our village. Secondly, the inhabitants are deprived of even the simplest medical care. I spend sleepless nights worrying about them. If you build in our village at least a small hospital, this would be the second decoration I dream of. And you can make the third decoration for me. In the future, your fame may increase. You will be asked: “Who is your mother?” - and you will call my name. Behave yourself so as to preserve the good name of your mother. Share with other useful knowledge that you received. Do not chase after wealth. The servant of Mammon does not strive for God. The seeker of God does not long for wealth. If you follow these tips, this will be the third decoration for me. "
See also: Puberty in boys: signs
To help you:
- Lectures on parenting on the site -http: //audioveda.ru
- Books: John Gray "Children from Heaven", Steve Biddalf "To educate boys ... how?", A. Faber, E. Mazlish "How to say that the children listen ..." and their other books are good not only for education boys, but also for the education of girls.
Be loving, and then love will come into your life!
According to the site www.1reikiveda.ru