There are women who are trying to help everyone who asks them about it: they work on weekends, if “they should,” they postpone the planned shopping trip to sit with someone else’s child, lend money even when their wallet is almost empty . Why can't they just say no?
Habit of being an obedient girl
At an early age, we can all pronounce with confidence "not". But if adults do not accept the child’s refusals, do not listen, do not notice his desire to defend their position, they always do what they themselves have decided, the child has the feeling that his own beliefs, views and words have no value and are not needed by anyone. Only the wishes of other people are important. As a result, children cease to reckon with their opinions, value themselves low and generally do not see in themselves anything really meaningful. The motive to action for them are the wishes of others. And this is how obedient girls grow up, dependent on others, who are afraid not to like, not please, not meet the expectations. Fear of being "bad" for others, disobedient make them smoothly fulfill the requests of girlfriends, colleagues, close people.
The desire to feel like a heroine
Perhaps you cannot refuse anyone just because you want to feel your need for others, their dependence on your decision. You want to convince yourself and others of how much you can, what a noble and extraordinary person you are, after all, not everyone is on the shoulder. You begin to feel the desire to make all people happy, and convince yourself that you can do it, take up any business and use your precious time not for yourself, but for the realization of the desires of others. It would seem that bad? But remember that ego says in you and in reality you serve people not because you feel the need for it, but in order to amuse your self-esteem.
How to learn to refuse?
1. Start to pause before you voice the answer. Sometimes you say something rashly, without thinking it over, and then it’s uncomfortable to refuse. Give yourself time to weigh all the pros and cons, and then answer. Better say, "I need to think."
2. Learn separate the request from the person asking. The fact is that you are most likely convinced that if you refuse a request to a friend, you will ruin the relationship with him. This is not true. A request is only a single action, and friendship lasts for years. If you refuse him, it does not at all mean that you will break up the relationship, because you say no to not friendship, but request.
3 Think of yourself and your priorities. Allow yourself to be yourself and put your desires in the first place. If you constantly fulfill the requests of others, then there will simply be no time or energy for your own life with its dreams and plans. But life is one, and it is so short. It depends only on you how to live it. Why can't you say no to others, and you say no to yourself all the time?
4. Ask more questions.When you are "nailed to the wall" with your request, it is important to catch your breath and calmly think. To do this, start asking questions, it will give you time and at the same time allow you to manage the conversation. Ask him: "Why do you insist on it?".
5. Learn not to invent excuses, but speak straight.If you don't want to do something, say so. You have the right to this, you owe nothing to anyone. Starting to look for excuses, you aggravate the situation, because the interlocutor may have the feeling that now is just the wrong time, and if he turns to you in a week, you will definitely say "yes." For example, a colleague asks you to make a report for him, and you leave for a business trip for 5 days, and tell him: "Sorry, I can not, I am leaving." When you arrive, do not hope that everything will be resolved by itself, he will again ask you for a favor, and here you will not turn away. Therefore, tell the truth is better - it is more profitable.
Say yes to yourself
Try to understand yourself and find out the motives of your behavior. Watch yourself when someone asks for a favor. What feelings do you have? What are the first words that come to mind? Write them down and analyze - they will tell you the way out. AND Practice saying the word "no" more. Say no once, then another and another. At first, your voice may be quiet, but over time it will become louder. It does not mean at all that you will become cruel and impregnable, you will simply learn to love and understand yourself.. This article will help How to love yourself, Low self-esteem - a heart-to-heart talk. Learn to help others only when it does not infringe upon your own interests. Because if you remember the words of Jesus "Love your neighbor as yourself," you will understand that the opposite is true: "Love yourself as you love your neighbor." Good luck!